you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
