I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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