quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
