White coat. Heels.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
