oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
