I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
