I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
