dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
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i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
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He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You are a genius and a whore.
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