I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
