also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
