If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
This is my gift to your gina
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
