She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires