So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?