I wish my penis had an off switch
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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