I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
