Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
whose ass print is on the piano?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
