I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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