I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
he just fucked me for my cheese..
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
