Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
