after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
