i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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