It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.