Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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