I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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