Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
