Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
