he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
