I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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