I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
