well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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