Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
