I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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