His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
