Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
