If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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