some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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