Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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