ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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