I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
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UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
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When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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