I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
