He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
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I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
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Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.