At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
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No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
We were destined to go to rehab together
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
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Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?