I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
The 17 Most Horrible Things Said To Online Daters
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?