Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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