She announced her abortion via fbk
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
