she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
