The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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