I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You're a waste of cheezeits
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
