she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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