I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
