In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
two words...techno handjob
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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