I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Just cropdusted the office
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
