I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
a search helicopter?!
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I think pants incapable of making pants work
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
