I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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