ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
