i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
