Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
